Tomorrow I will begin my work.
I dunno what to expect. I dunno what I will do.
All I know is that I am scared as shit and I am nervous and I am tapping out the energies on my Mom’s borrowed laptop. I can’t even sleep.
And yeah. There are times that I wanna tell them straight to their face: Fuck you. I have enough problems that make my head spin a little longer. Shut your trap and start working on a solution.
Have you ever felt indifferent towards the plight of one of your friends? Was there a time wherein you weren’t even interested with their stories of how their lives were playing out? Where you dishonest at how you felt when you listened to their unending praise for their achievements or the long-winding lists of problems they throw at you? What was the feeling when you had to bleat advises feebly so that they could just shut up about it?
I felt that in one day. And I felt guilty. Then monstrous apathy kicked in. I felt numb. The greatness and the warmth of my heart washed away by cold apathy.
I have always under-appreciated the true friends that I have in my life and replace them with phony individuals who make me feel like I am worthy to be a part of their lives. I have long detached myself from people who truly took care of me. Who have accepted me, being a bitch that I really was.
As I ponder the implication of my actions, I come to a realization that I am neither a good nor a true friend. I am just a by-stander, a fair-weather friend. I come swiftly whenever I feel like I am needed and forget my role whenever I don’t feel like fulfilling the role.
I am selfish. I have already embraced that fact. I must accept the reality that I would die alone in a tight cocoon that I have draped myself with to shelter myself from the pain of losing someone significant from my life.
*Reach for the stars*